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Is Your Relationship All Structure and No Security?

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Do you want to have a secure relationship?

Of course you do. Nobody wants to feel insecure about the person they are planning to spend the rest of their life with.

Okay then, let’s ask a different question; how do you know your relationship is secure?

This one’s harder to answer, isn’t it? How exactly do you measure feeling secure in a relationship? Is it the amount of time you spend together? How about avoiding arguments? Or could it be because what you have looks just like the representations of successful relationships you see in the media?

Well, those are easy. They can be seen. You know if you don’t spend enough quality time with your partner. You can obviously tell if you’ve had an argument. And it’s easy to compare yourself to another relationship in the media.

But do problems only exist in a relationship if you can see them?

No.

Just because something isn’t causing your problems right now doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.

And the reason you might not be aware of your problems is you are allowing your relationship structure to hide them from you.

In her book polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy, psychotherapist Jessica Fern has this to say about relational security in couples exploring ethical non-monogamy together:

In the same way that monogamy can mitigate personal attachment insecurities, it can also conceal attachment insecurities that are relationally based. As a couple opens up from a monogamous relationship, they usually perceive themselves as having been healthy and secure together. But, as the structure of monogamy is lifted, issues in the relationship that the couple didn’t have to face before can appear, or issues that were ignored or tolerated can no longer be ignored or tolerated in the new structure of non monogamy.

Now, you may think, “I’m never going to try polyamory, so why does this apply to me?” Well, I’ll tell you. What Fern is touching on in this quote is a universal danger in all relationships. Just because your relationship is fine right now doesn’t mean it has no problems at all; it means the potential causes of those problems are dormant.

Let’s say that, deep down, you feel that if your partner would leave you if they had better options. Monogamy allows you to ignore this fear, as you don’t have those other options. Ergo, your relationship is secure.

Wrong.

This is what Fern means by “issues in the relationship that the couple didn’t have to face before” or “issues that were ignored or tolerated”. Just because your insecurity around your partner choosing to leave you if they could isn’t being triggered doesn’t mean it’s healthy to have. And leaving it unaddressed allows it to fester away inside you.

There is nothing wrong with monogamy. But when we live that life without thinking it can become a crutch. A tool for avoiding our issues.

As Fern puts it:

… I see people depending on the relationship structure for their security instead of their actual relational experience with their partner. When the structure is removed, they are faced with all of the ways that the relationship was not functioning.

Many people come into polyamory only to discover their relationship is far less secure than they thought. We believe we’re fine because the structure of monogamy is holding us together. We subconsciously push our worries, problems, or insecurities aside because they don’t fit in with the model we’re using.

But there is a difference between your relationship being secure and your relationship meeting all the standard monogamy templates.

I was one of these people. When my partner and I began our journey into ethical non-monogamy, we were confident that we were secure enough in our marriage to give us the foundation we needed to survive the change. And while we were right in some ways, the transition brought up a lot of insecurities for both of us.

An example of this was when she found it easy to get dates while I struggled. And suddenly, I found my old insecurities about not being “good enough” for someone to love me flared again. I’d thought I had worked past those insecurities, when in fact, I had simply used monogamy to hide from them.

And that was not the healthy option.

When I talk about polyamory, I always try to clarify that I don’t consider it intrinsically better than monogamy.

There is nothing wrong with monogamy. Nor is it dangerous in and of itself. What is dangerous using the structure it provides to become a replacement for actual attachment security.

Previously Published on medium


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The post Is Your Relationship All Structure and No Security? appeared first on The Good Men Project.


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